Money Taboo

Does money make us vulnerable?

Perhaps I am the least qualified person in the world to talk about money. I've always had a terrible relationship with financial matters. Just writing about it makes me terribly anxious. When I used to organize courses in the company, I found myself dealing with financial statements, that is, end-of-course budgets: invoicing, payments, various documentation. Every time I had to deal with financial statements, I would break into a cold sweat. Sometimes they were perfect, sometimes something was missing, and the balance wasn't as it should have been. Oh my, what now? My life as a freelancer with my beautiful VAT number and an accountant who spoke to me in what, for me, was Sanskrit, only increased the distance between me and money, even physically!

There are so many prejudices and stereotypes when it comes to money. I was born in the '80s, a time when it was still common to think that money wasn't a topic for women; perhaps the bank account was only in the husband's name, and he was responsible for managing it. (My aunt was an exception. It was a sensation that her husband "brought home the money," but she managed it). And then, there was never much. Soaring inflation, a single-income family, a civil servant's salary. We knew that certain things were beyond our means.

The experience of expatriation, for me and my husband, has been and continues to be different in many ways. We decided and planned our life here together. When it came to choosing who to focus on in terms of work, we chose him. This was for two main reasons: the first reason was language; he already worked in an international environment and was fluent in English, and secondly, because it was easier to find job opportunities in his field.

Despite these advantages, it took him over a year to find work here

After more than 4 years of expatriation, a second child, two years of a pandemic, I have the feeling of being left behind. I am learning Dutch, built a network from scratch, and many other things. But my professional development came to a halt. Many women in my community have experienced the same thing.

Unless it's a choice, those who have studied for many years, had a career in their home country, developed their own professionalism, feel like they're starting from scratch. In reality, it's not quite like that, but the feeling is there.

Among the disadvantages of precarious employment is economic dependence, which leads to greater vulnerability.

What does money mean?

When it comes to professional identity in general, we always refer to goals, values, skills, etc. At the core of every job, however, there is an important missing piece in volunteering or pursuing a hobby or sports activity. That is financial compensation: we offer our time, energy, skills, and experiences in exchange for money.

Try to reflect on what money means to you. Money is________________________

Money has a deep material and emotional dimension in people's lives. It affects many aspects of society and human psychology, influencing decisions, relationships, and personal fulfillment. In general, what meanings does money have? We can get an idea with the help of Abraham Maslow, who in 1954 schematized each person's needs.

The pyramid should be read from the bottom up: the primary, essential needs are at the base of the pyramid. At the top are the needs we would like to see satisfied, but they are not always, and yet we survive their absence. With the help of this map, let's look for meanings:

Security. Money provides a safety net in difficult or unforeseen situations. It helps cover expenses for medical care, education, housing, and other basic needs, contributing to financial stability and the satisfaction of a basic need.
Esteem. Money is a symbol of the value attributed to goods and services. Whether we like it or not, it is a common way to measure and quantify the value of work. Often, the value of what we do and, therefore, our social status is attributed to how much we earn.
Belonging. The need to feel accepted and be part of a group. Having or not having money determines social status, and this will be the key to access a social network where interests and values are common
Power. Power means many things: the ability to do, for example, having money means being able to buy, invest, study, travel, make choices. Power can also be understood as control, not only over finances but also over others who, having less or little, are more likely to feel vulnerable.
Freedom and autonomy. Money, precisely, provides the ability to make choices and autonomous decisions. It provides a margin of personal freedom, allowing us to meet our needs, pursue interests, and goals.
Self-realization. Some time ago, I was watching a program on an Italian channel; the journalist interviewed protesters on the street, it was a mobilization against the cancellation of "basic income". A lady interviewed described her days with disillusionment. The salary was used to pay for necessities. There was nothing left for vacations, studies, or savings. In case of an emergency, there would be nothing. In the fall of 2022, it was found that more than a third (35%) of Canadian citizens had difficulty meeting their family's financial needs in the preceding 12 months. In response to the question of whether they could handle an unexpected expense of $500, 26% did not have the necessary resources. The percentage for women is higher (29%) compared to what men reported (24%). In such a scenario, thinking about realizing your dreams becomes difficult. You feel trapped.
Health. The primary need. The lack of money can cause stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, and thus disrupt our lives. The lack of money, in some countries, can deny access to necessary medical care.

But if money permeates our lives so much, why is it talked about so little?

Money Taboo

The money taboo is quite universal and international, except in the Netherlands. We had just arrived here and were invited to a neighborhood party. I myself witnessed a heated debate between two neighbors: they were discussing who had saved more money thanks to the installation of solar panels. For us, it was strange; they were talking about cents and how to save more. It's part of their culture. This taboo can have various origins and motivations, including:

Cultural factors. For some cultures, discussing money is considered rude or inappropriate. In some cultures, women are not even allowed at the discussion table. Not long ago, I was told that I couldn't talk about money, it wasn't something that, as a woman, concerned me.
Fear of judgment. People may fear judgment or evaluation by others based on their income, wealth, or financial situation.
Balance in relationships. Openly discussing money could reveal financial differences among friends, family, or partners that could influence the balance of relationships. There was an episode of Friends that dealt with this very topic: half of the group earned a lot, the other half very little, and they found it difficult to cope with the expensive dinners proposed by friends. Everything ends well, of course, in the sitcom. But in real life? For example, when we can't afford vacations during the summer holidays? Do we openly say it, or are we ashamed?
Emotional intimacy. Financial situation can be linked to deep and personal emotions. Each of us has our own story. It can create an imbalance of "power" within a couple, for example, affecting intimate relationships.
Stigma and identity. In some cases, the lack of money or financial difficulty can be associated with social stigma or affect personal identity. People might avoid discussing money for fear of being labeled or marginalized.

Vulnerability

I think talking about money means talking about vulnerability. A challenging topic deepened by researcher and speaker Brené Brown (I'll leave a link to her most famous TED talk at the end of the article). Vulnerability is "the willingness to show and share your authentic self while knowing you have no control over the outcome of your interactions. Vulnerability removes defenses, promotes empathy, and strengthens creativity." So, it also contains resources to face dangerous situations. But it's tiring, and there are many risks.

The "money taboo," all in all, protects us from feeling vulnerable: it protects privacy and preserves social relationships because we don't feel judged.

Not having money, not even having the opportunity to earn it (it happens abroad when you don't know the language, it happens because you've reached an unattractive age range for tax breaks, it happens because it's difficult to organize with a family to take care of, it happens because you're overqualified or underqualified, it happens because you've been out of the job market for too long according to selection criteria, and so on), can lead to feeling vulnerable, and not talking about it lifts us up.

On the other hand, the "money taboo" can cast a shadow on communication clarity, acting as an obstacle to understanding financial dynamics. It can hinder financial education (I discovered what inflation and purchasing power were only after leaving high school). It contributes to creating an atmosphere of uncertainty, both personally and professionally: people often find themselves making financial choices without the necessary preparation or access to adequate information, which can generate insecurity and doubts about their financial future.

The other night I was a guest at a meeting for women from all over the world, present here in Eindhoven. There was a click, and the atmosphere was relaxed. Among all the things we talked about, there was also the issue of money. It's almost magical; I always realize it afterward when you meet someone who sees you and knows what you're going through, the English would say, "I've been there too," I've been there too. A space that becomes physical and from which you can move away, first by becoming aware of it, then by breaking taboos by confronting those who were or are still there. So we can transform our vulnerability into a springboard.