Expat Journal

I no longer recognize myself

I have been living abroad for over 5 years. As you know, I left for many reasons, including anger: anger towards a beautiful place that made me curse the traffic, the chaos, the 180-day payments, bureaucracy, lack of fairness, confusion, and the lack of certainty and opportunities every morning.

I moved abroad, and the work situation became more complex, with different obstacles, but the result is the same: finding a job seems like a chimera.

Yet.

Yet when I return to Italy or come into contact with a group of Italians, those feelings of anger and rejection resurface, less intense, but they remind me of why that society no longer represents me.

I have also asked my friends, from other cultures, and the perspective is very similar, if not the same.

We feel different. It's not a judgment (I won't hide that, at times, there is also that).

And it's strange because I lived almost all my life in Italy, and I know that I had certain attitudes too.

I worked for a company for several years: when I arrived, I would watch other employees complaining and think, 'If you don't like it, do something to change it!'

After some time, I found myself in the same situation: I had adapted to a certain way of thinking and acting. When I quit, the dynamics and problems became evident again.

So it happens to me now: I experience a certain way of joking and group dynamics as an outsider. Returning to everyday life is a relief.

Do I feel Dutch? Absolutely not. This is a part of my identity that I am working on.

Do you live abroad? Do you ever feel this way?"