Disappearances and transformations.

In the last article I talked to you about disconnecting. Well, a few days ago, I received a newsletter that immediately reprimanded me! The warning was “Do not disappear from social media".

But have you ever wanted to disappear?

Just for a while. You press the “pause” button and time outside stops. In the meantime, you have time to rest, catch your breath or implement a plan, a transformation, an adjustment, a strategy of any kind.

When I went to school, at the beginning of every vacation, I disappeared and didn’t see any of my classmates again for three months. My desire was to return in September transformed, a bit like in the 90s movies.

September arrived and I was still myself, I thought.

My first disappearance was when I left for Erasmus. Six months that taught me a lot. Like how to be happy. How to be independent. How to be brave, maybe more to realize that I already was. How to feel free.

This vacation I allowed myself the luxury of disappearing, almost completely disconnected, and one thing happened: absolutely nothing. Finally, after a hard fight of a few days with migraines and stomach pain, my brain turned off. You know when you ask someone, usually your partner, what they’re thinking about and the answer is “nothing!”? Well, it happened to me too.

In the newsletter I received, the second warning was “Plan and organize”.

I only thought about the next hour or the evening, my planning was limited to the next 12 hours.

In this vacation from publications and notifications, something else happened to me: I didn’t take notes, I didn’t have any ideas. A void. But a real void.

I often hear people say, “You do so much! You are very creative!”

The truth is that I go into hyperactive ideational mode, which is also a symptom of work-related stress. After a day of stimulation and lists to check off, to “switch off” I scroll through various social media and look for something that “clouds” me.

Absurd? No.

It’s called revenge bedtime procrastination, the tendency to stay up late, despite being tired, to gain some free time and dedicate oneself to the things that have been put off. The risk of these mechanisms? Burnout.

When I came back, I realized that a part of my brain had recorded everything, or almost everything.

And I started writing again.

Disappearing for me has a new meaning: that of turning off external and internal stimuli. This too is nourishment.  

Bedtime procrastination - Wikipedia